Stream of Consciousness

I have an incredibly shy bladder, which makes it near impossible to pee when
another guy is at the urinal next to me. Here’s what went through my head last
time I tried:

Okay, we’re ready to go. Zipper down. Penis out. Balls out. Hmmm, that last
bit may be a little ostentatious. Whatever, I’m all alone in this bathroom. I
could drop trou completely and it wouldn’t matter. As a matter of fact, I think
I will. Down we go. And now I can commence my urination countdown. 5… 4… 3…
2…

Oh God. Oh my fucking God. There is a man next to me. How the hell didn’t I
notice him? Okay, I can do this. Just act cool. Keep my eyes straight ahead.
Whatever you do, don’t look at the other urinal. Unless… what if this isn’t a
man next to me? What if this is the one time that a woman who can pee standing
up has accidentally entered a man’s bathroom and started peeing in a urinal?
And if I don’t bother to check, just because of society, I’ll be missing a
historic milestone. It’s my duty to look over at—Oh God, that is definitely a
penis. Startlingly similar to my high school principal’s penis.

Come on, you can do this. Just imagine water sounds. A waterfall. A
waterwheel. Your kid brother drowning in a laundry tub. Oh God, no. Not this
again. How can I pee when I’m crying? And now I’m sweating from being
embarrassed. I also pooped a little, but that’s par for the course.

Wait a second. That wasn’t my brother. It was Ray Charles brother. How silly
of me. It was Ray Charles’ brother who drowned! HAHAHA! Oh my, all this
laughter has made me pee. I’ve peed everywhere. Thank you, Ray Charles.
We’ve done it again. Another successful urination.

CRS '09