How To Be Cool

If you want to be cool, here’s how: start your sentences with the phrase “While I was smoking marijuana this summer.” This structure quickly establishes the fact that yes, you have smoked marijuana, but that you are bringing it up not to impress people, but rather, to establish time.

Pretty much anything can be added on after, provided its Uncool Factor does not outweigh its Cool Factor. For example, if you were to say something like “While I was smoking marijuana this summer, I had sex,” your Cool Factor would go through the roof (pot + sex), while your Uncool Factor would stay near zero (there might be a little Uncoolness if it weren’t clear that you loved music). However, if you were to say something like “While I was smoking marijuana last summer, I reviewed my Latin declensions,” that would actually have a negative effect on your Coolness, because the Uncool Factor (the summer Latin) would actually outweigh the Cool Factor (the pot). That’s it, right? Not exactly.

There’s one more dynamic, called Edge Coolness, which would go something like this: “While I was smoking marijuana this summer, I reviewed my Latin declensions and planned to have sex.” On the one hand, whoa, you’re smoking marijuana, that’s pretty damn cool. On the other hand, you’re reviewing your Latin declensions, which, as explained above, is significantly Uncool. Yet, you’re also planning to have sex, which is slightly cool, but not as overwhelmingly cool as actually having sex. This slight margin results in an equilibrium between Coolness and Uncoolness, called Edge Coolness. In such a situation, the deciding factor is whether or not you’re wearing sandals.

MKG '10