Child Star Sales Pitches

Sales pitches from Talent America, an agency that represents child actors:

“Your son has potential. He just needs to harness it. That’s where we come in.”

“I know you want what’s best for him—and what could be better than pursuing his passion? So no more school. And we’ll need to apply a permanent layer of shine to his skin. For auditions.”

“He says he wants friends his own age? These things pass. This should help it along. You may wonder if you need a device so big. Remember that electricity leaves no mark.”

“Your son is about to start growing. I think that’s a problem. But maybe for you, it’s a good thing. Like if you want your son to be a booth-monkey. Pardon me, that’s the industry term for voice actor.”

“You think it’s too risky? Fine, do nothing. Before you know it, he’ll walk into a bank, ask for some of his money, and they’ll give it to him. They’ll have to. How’s that for risky?”

“Take a look at my desk. If you’d like, I’ll rip it apart, make a coffin, and nail you inside. If you keep letting him age, I honestly think that’s your best option.”

“We’ll do it with a combination of screw-based bone therapy and medicine. Smallening medicine.”

“Look, things don’t always go as planned. What you need now is a cage. And we’ve got cages. Big ones, small ones, cold ones, ones with a spike. This one you can surround with concrete and bury under your garage. Who would find that?”

JBO '10