I love hearing the poors on TV complain about how healthcare is so terrible in this country. It reminds me of how, for a select few of us, the doctors are totally bribable.
Me: What’s the story, doc?
Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have type III tuberculosis.
Me: (laughing) Oh dear.
D: That’s the incurable kind.
Me: (Waving a $1,000 bill) Oh really? Is it really incurable?
D: Well, they’re working on a–
Me: What about now? Are they still working on it? (waving $100)
D: No. It’s curable.
Me: That’s more like it. I’ll have a cure, please. And you know what? Why don’t you throw in some new boobs for the Missus?
Me: Can your profession really make a man pregnant, like on the hilarious movie I saw?
D: I suppose we–
Me: (waving $5) Not me, of course. Just any man off the street will do.
D: Coming right up.
Me: And doctor?
Me: It’s my birthday.
D: Happy birthday, sir.
Me: Don’t insult me. I want to see three strangers with my face.