A Letter from Montgomery’s Principal – The Harvard Lampoon


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A Letter from Montgomery’s Principal

  ASB '17

Dear Montgomery High Parents,

When we bought the panini machine in October, the objective was strictly to make crispier sandwiches. There was no ulterior motive. A number of students and faculty mentioned how the sandwiches, loosely assembled by our cook Sergey, could be exponentially improved by a panini press. I bought the safest model under $200. Above it, Greg the math TA taped a paper sign that read, “You Burn, You Learn.” It was meant as a light-hearted caution, but it seems your children have been taking it literally. I simply did not know children could be so dim-witted.

The stories are stranger than fiction. Lisa Thompson receives a disappointing score on her math test. Bobby Jones tells her that the panini machine says you burn you learn. Precious Lisa places her small hand in the panini machine and presses down. If you’re reading this, Ms. Thompson, I have to ask: how did you raise such a stupid child?

The panini machine has been removed. It is in Sergey’s home, where not one of his eight children have mistaken it for a learning device. Sergey Jr. used it the other day to make a pesto club with roasted tomatoes. This is the kind of panini creativity I had hoped to see at Montgomery.

So I sit in my office, awaiting your inevitable lawsuits. I’m unsure if you’ll sue me, Greg, or every degree above 150 Fahrenheit. Run your children’s hands under cold water, and then run their heads under a CT scan. I think those images could be invaluable to science.


Principal Levin