A Resolution – The Harvard Lampoon

Politics As Usual #

| Issue Editor: JDH '14 | Art Editor: SLK '16

A Resolution

  RJS '17 , Art: SESH '16


WHEREAS the Congress here assembled holds twice-monthly bowling night at the Sheridan Lanes Bowling Center; and

WHEREAS this bowling night is supposed to be a fun, relaxing time to enjoy some good company and meat nachos; and

WHEREAS these evenings are frequently soured by the attendance of Donald Reed, whom no one likes; and

WHEREAS all Donald Reed does at bowling night is talk about how he thinks the Indian Removal Act could have been a good idea under different circumstances; and

WHEREAS one time Donald Reed dropped a bowling ball on Greg Notarius’s foot and his apology didn’t sound very sincere even though Greg’s foot really hurt afterwards; and

WHEREAS Donald Reed thinks that fire should be federally prohibited; and

WHEREAS Donald Reed is not even a good bowler; now, therefore, be it

RESOLVED by the Congress here assembled that Donald Reed shall be barred from attending Congressional bowling night; and, be it

FURTHER RESOLVED that if any of us see him there, we will ignore him and not share our meat nachos; and, be it

FURTHER RESOLVED that if he starts playing in an adjacent lane and scores a strike, we will look unimpressed; and, be it

FURTHER RESOLVED that Donald, if you’re reading this, please don’t give us a hard time about this at work, because it was a unanimous decision and you had plenty of chances; and, be it 

FURTHER RESOLVED that all laws in conflict with this legislation are hereby declared null and void.