Adopt a Child – The Harvard Lampoon

By Any Means Necessary #

| Issue Editor: ACW '15 | Art Editor: SESH '16

Adopt a Child

  MDL-G '16

Do you see this precious face? The puppy dog eyes? This is young Manny, a child whose parents both died fighting for his freedom. The rebellion is now over, and Manny needs your help. Will you adopt young Manny?

For just 35 cents, you could buy Manny a bow tie, a sign of social prominence in the new state.  And if today you give just one dollar, you would buy Manny a corsage, too, which he could pin on a pretty girl. Any of them. Manny’s parents didn’t die for nothing.

But if you really want to help Manny, you would give three dollars. For three dollars, you could buy Manny a whole tuxedo. Manny has his picked out already. It’s white, the new state color.

For five dollars, Manny could wear that tuxedo to a prom. Don’t you think Manny deserves to have a prom? Manny’s parents fought so that one day their son could have a prom in a new country built on freedom.

And for $10, Manny will send you a Polaroid of himself at his prom, making a fun face. This will be the best night of Manny’s life, when a boy realizes that adulthood is near. Manny says he thought that already happened at age eight when he became a parent to his younger siblings, but this time it’s for real.

But would you give $50? Oh please, would you? You don’t want this night to be dull, do you? For $50, Manny can throw his own party and decide who comes. But at this point, you might as well give $100. For $100, Manny can buy the entire liquor monopoly for his village. Manny says his parents would be so proud. Their son, once a child of the lowest peasant class, now an entrepreneur.

Manny has a business, but now you’ll need to give $200 because Manny needs some weaponry to enforce his monopoly. The village isn’t any safer post-revolution.

Look now — Manny is in trouble with the new federal officers. Would you give $300 just this once? As a small bribe? Come on now — you got Manny into this mess, didn’t you?