Advice from a Car Thief – The Harvard Lampoon

Advice from a Car Thief

  CKJ '04

 

Unless you know exactly what you’re doing, stealing a car can prove difficult and confusing.  Here are a few guidelines to keep your head calm and your car stolen, presuming you now own someone else’s car.

 

Don’t steal cars from your own block and definitely don’t steal cars your own driveway.  As a rule of thumb, don’t steal anything from your own driveway–it’s against the law.

 

Wear gloves to avoid leaving fingerprints, but never wear gloves with suction cups attached, unless the car is parked on the side of a building or on the side of another, more levitating car.

 

After you steal the car, don’t speed away with the tires screeching.  You’ll only draw attention to yourself.  Instead, remove the tires and walk the car home gently.

 

A great idea is to switch the stolen car’s license plates with novelty plates that say “Mine 4 Real.”

 

Get your hands on a police radio.  That way, when the cops are giving chase, you can trick them by pretending to be a policeman and saying, “I’ll take it from here, pigs.”

 

Might I suggest reverse psychology?  Stereotypical thieves wear all-black outfits and sneak around at night.  I staple Christmas lights to a neon-orange shirt and yell profanities while stealing fancy cars in broad daylight.  Who would ever suspect I was a real thief?  Apparently, several eyewitnesses, the police, a federal judge and a jury of my peers.

 

Create a diversion like the sound of a wind of a sound-wind sounding a wind sounding SOUNDING WIND! (I just stole your car.)