After Rebate – The Harvard Lampoon

The American Dream #

| Issue Editor: CWW '16 | Art Editor: SESH '16

After Rebate

  CCSW '18

Hello, Joe Girard here.  Are you tired of skyrocketing airfare prices? Tired of tossing those hard-earned clams into a pie chart of your own carbon footprint?

Our team of scientists has patented a scientific one-time annual fee to make sure that you never have to pay another penny. In fact, after rebate, we will actually pay you.  

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Is Joe Girard actually trying to sell me a job opportunity? Actually? Me?

You are wrong unless you want to be right.

And if you still don’t believe me, we had scientists take our survey.

And when we asked over 3,000 doctors to review our product they said, “absolutely.”

You don’t even risk your W-2 setup fee because we’ll let you try this for 60 days risk free! But on that 60th day, that’s the day we’re gonna get ya. Call us toll free 24/7 at 1-800-URICHNOW and we’ll explain everything!  As we speak, one of our nine in-house scientists is waiting to talk to you. That’s right, you.

Are you dying to hear more about how to collect that rebate? Call now. Ask for Stanley. If you ask for Stanley, there is a chance that Stanley will not be there—but trust us. That’s a promise.  

I know this company. I love this company. I’d sell myself for this company—if I were you.  And that’s because our panel knows never to put all your eggs in one basket, even when you know portfolio diversification is a myth. Just ask our specialist, Dr. Ron LaBrie.  That guy’s in your back pocket before you even know your wallet’s gone.

Capitol Hill is doing it. The big banks? They are doing it. Those neighbors with the good lawn? Them too. So what are you waiting for? Turn back the hands of time.