Airport Check-In – The Harvard Lampoon

All Natural #

| Issue Editor: HJH '19 | Art Editor: OJ '20

Airport Check-In

  CdLLdR '21

-I’m sorry, sir. I have a hard time believing this is you on this passport.

-What do you mean? Of course it’s me.

-I don’t know, you look a lot bigger than this other guy here.

-The picture’s not life-sized, ma’am.

(Squints) Hmm… okay. Says here you’ve got a flight to Denver, layover in no layover?

-Sure? The one that leaves at 6:15 A.M.

-Yes, yes, and how many bags will you be checking today?

-Just the two.

-Ouch. Sorry, sir, but we have a one bag maximum.

-Reservation says two.

-No, it doesn’t. We have a simple system here, sir: Two-bag, no bag, more bags, four.


-Sad bag, bad bag, on the floor.

-I don’t know what that means.

-Jesus Christ, sir. Read between the lines. You’ve got a one bag maximum and a two bag minimum, but only if your third bag is a dog.

-OK, I don’t have a dog.

-No, of course not. Why would you?

-So I can bring both bags?

-Sadly, sir, that promo is only valid at our other location.

-What other location?

-The other counters, sir.

-That has to be wrong.

-Wrong? Who’s the one wearing the badge here?

-You are, ma’am, but––

-And what does the badge say?

-Mary Paulson.

-And what do you think that means?

-That’s your name.

-Uhh… yes? Yes! My name! That is my name. Mary. My name. And nobody else’s! Good thinking. I guess that’s why you’re the one behind the counter and not me.

-You’re the one behind the counter, ma’am.

-Not from where I’m standing, mister. Anyway, here’s your boarding pass.

-That’s a Krispy Kreme loyalty card.