Airship – The Harvard Lampoon

Dessert Island #

| Issue Editor: NJL '15 | Art Editor: YZ '17

Airship

  KPFS '15 , Art: MY '16

 MY airship

[Beep boop] Hello, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight 000 to nowhere, now departing. We thank you for choosing Aeroscraft Airships & Blimps© and for not rocking the ship [chuckle].

 

This will be a nonstop flight in that it will never stop. For those folks still thinking our final destination is Phoenix, please, think again. There is no destination for a lighter-than-air ship, no destination but the sky. Beginning our approach now.

 

This will be our private island of the skies, a veritable floating paradise. For those who do not want part in our utopia, please locate the rope beneath your seat. Ascent is happening fairly slowly, and from the bottom of the rope you’re looking at worst a ten mmmmmmm twenty foot drop. But of course as more people descend, the faster we climb.

 

Looks like we’re running into a bit of turbulence. We’re just going to go with it. That’s just how airships work, folks. Honestly, I’m not sure if I could have taken you all to Phoenix if I tried.

 

While we drift, let’s talk politics. Hopefully we’ll be over international waters soon. The United States doesn’t own the waters, but they sure do own the skies. Personally, I don’t believe in ownership, but that’s just the way of the world.

 

My forecast shows a lot of fishing in the future. It’s not easy finding fishing line five miles long, but I did it. For dessert, sweet freedom. If you need to use the bathroom, please lift the hatch. Men, I’m looking at you [long chuckle]. Just teasing you folks—I’m the only man on this flight. But everyone will need to lift the hatch.

 

Once we reach a good cruising altitude, I’m stepping down as captain. The sky has no hierarchy, and I couldn’t manage a revolt. Not to worry, I’m not doing much to pilot this ship anyway. It’s a balloon—it does what it wants.

 

This is going to be a real experiment in self-determination, the first truly isolated and independent modern society. I don’t know about you folks, but I’m real excited to see what we build. If we’re successful, we’ll show the world the first truly egalitarian and collaborative [cuts out] [cuts in] [scuffle] [groan] [grunt] [cuts out].

 
[Beep boop] Hello, this is your dictator speaking. Please remain in your seats for the duration of the flight and do not speak unless spoken to.