Antarctica – The Harvard Lampoon

Harvard College World Travel Guide

| Issue Editor: MMM '20 | Art Editor: MAK '21


  ENO '21

There are only two reasons to go to Antarctica: either you were 1) born to a poor fisherman father who worked his fingers to the bone saving up for your college tuition, but he died in a tragic game of dice where he lost his most of his money, and his life to the ice queen or 2) you want to be the next penguin king.

If you’re here for any other reason, then I can’t help you, I can only hurt you. Hurt you real good.

Anyways, that’s why I’m here. I’m the penguin king. I’ve been ruling the penguins on this continent for so long, it’s hard to tell the difference anymore between a penguin and a penguin that wants me to stop beating the shit out of it. Which isn’t really too much of an issue in practice.

The first penguin went down easy and I thought it was over. I thought, ‘You done did it Rags Jr. You took out the big dog and now you’re in charge.’ But, that was just a baby penguin, who then told her father, the king, that I had punched her in the penguin face.

I’m standing there gearing up to fight this little monster’s dad penguin for the title of king, but then the king penguin starts sobbing before I can even get one punch in. He’s all:

“Look, you’ve gotta help me. I can’t do this anymore. I never wanted to be king. Would any of these penguins even choose to marry me if they played ‘Fuck, Marry, Kill’ on me, Hitler, and Oprah? Fat chance. They’d all just fuck me while Hitler sucks their toes. There’s gotta be more to life than this island. I want to be a star! I want to leave for New York and never come -”

I couldn’t let him finish because I already knew he’d never make it on Broadway. Kid didn’t have the chops. So, I killed him (out of professional courtesy) in front of all of the other penguins. I looked at them. They looked away. And we silently agreed I’d be their new king.

Beating a penguin to death in order to gain their tribe’s respect is hard work, but also incredibly easy. You hit a few of them and then they all fall into line like dominos, expect they’re alive and run away. That is, until you kill them. Then they’re exactly like dominos.