Baker’s Counting – The Harvard Lampoon

Strength In Numbers #

| Issue Editor: EHP '15 | Art Editor: SAE '17

Baker’s Counting

  RJS '17

Welcome to the final day of baking school. Today we’re going to learn the most important part of baking: how to count. Many of you—those who are not destined to be bakers—will not master this technique.

You all know that a baker’s dozen is 13. But what about a baker’s 6? Yes, you in the back. 7? Please leave the bakery. A baker’s 6 is also 13. Leave your floppy hat on your way out.

Okay, let’s try this together. We’re going to count from baker’s one up to baker’s 5, nice and easy: Four, Flour, Stove, 375 ° F, Four. Sounds like you guys are going to need to practice that on your own at home.

Next we’re going to do a hypothetical scenario. It is Iroquois years in the future, and you own a successful bakery. A woman comes into your bakery and tells you that she would like to order 8 bagels. You do not understand, but she is there wanting bagels, and you must not appear weak. What should you do? Yes, placing bagels in a bag 4 at a time is a good idea, Steve. She will tell you when to stop. Take a crescent roll for yourself. You’re doing very well, Steve.

It is not enough to count like a baker. You must forget your old human counting systems. Sever any emotional connection you may have to the numbers you once knew, as they are arbitrary and false. If you cannot do this, you may as well go home to your precious calculator wife and children now. The bakery doesn’t need you.