Batman – The Harvard Lampoon

Heroes and Villains #

| Issue Editor: RAK '13 | Art Editor: PHM '15

Batman

  EDH '14 , Art: KAE '13

batman KAEHey Chris, it’s your pal Batman. I heard that you want to quit tap-dance? What’s the deal man? Tapping is cool and it’s really cool for boys. Why would you ever want to quit? Is it because your mom thinks that tap is the perfect activity for a star like you? I hope not, because I think tapping is really awesome too, and if there’s one thing you can count on, it’s that I’m Batman.
Did you know I tap-dance? I love it, and I’m a man. It keeps me active and in shape. I guess I could do that by playing football like all the other boys, but if I played football I would probably get lots of boo boos. And I couldn’t use my special Bat-Wings to fly around New York if I had a boo boo.

 

And who cares if some boys think tap is girly? I don’t care, but I understand. Girls are really stupid except for Sally Grady who has Xbox and is basically as cool as a boy. In fact, I bet Sally would love that you do tap and would want to hang out with you. Like the other day, my girlfriend Wonder Woman was like “I think it’s so cool that you do tap and that’s why I love you and not your silly brother Superman.”

 

Tap is useful too! I keep my tap shoes in my utility belt, and one time when I was shot at, a bullet hit my tap shoes, but it hit the metal part, so I was fine. Robin didn’t have tap shoes in his utility belt because he wanted to try Karate, so he’s dead because of that. His mom is really sad now.

 

I could never think of making my mom sad like that. You know how those Cub Scout leaders killed my parents on my home planet? I’ll never forget that night. I remember standing next to them as they died, and my mom, choking on her own blood, gurgled to me: “Never stop tapping, and remember to keep your ankles loose in the lindy-hop routine because you sometimes tighten up too much!” I can’t let her down!

 

So that’s why I stuck with tap and why I think you should too. Also, I think driving to tap would be an awesome time to hang out with your mom’s friend Jerry. I know he’s not your dad (and he’s not trying to be!) but he’s a cool guy, and I think you should talk to him more. Plus, I heard a rumor that if you quit tap the Joker will take your dog and sell it, and it would basically be your fault.

 

Love,
Your Batman.