Beach Bodies – The Harvard Lampoon

Smash and Grab #

| Issue Editor: ZEW '14 | Art Editor: SSR '15

Beach Bodies

  TBW '18 , Art: REZ '16


To get a beach body it takes a combination of time and exercise or an equally effective combination of money and surgical implants. There is also a type of beach body that is a corpse that has washed ashore. I have a beach body.

Everyone wants a beach body but no one knows why. Sure muscles are great to look at but what are you going to do with them? One suggestion of something you can do with muscles is stretches to make them limber. Or an acid wash to get pesky skin tissue off the corpse.

Experience has taught me that beach bodies don’t last very long.  Sure, chemical preservatives help keep a certain shape, but for how long? Not long. You worked hard to get that beach body. Keep working hard very late at night.

The good thing about working at night is there is no one to bother you. No one says common beach body things like “Go Big or Go Home.” That makes no sense because bigger means heavier. Heavier is harder to lift. I like smaller bodies.


Beach bodies come and go with the tides as experienced bodiers know. When summer ends and its time to get rid of your beach body, do it at high tide. High tide will minimize your visibility. Fewer people will see how gross your body has gotten as you’ve given up on it over the summer. Get that body in the water and no one will see it at all.