Beans – The Harvard Lampoon

Lampy's Golden Age #

| Issue Editor: BAS '14 | Art Editor: ECM '15


  JEY '15


“Beans, beans, they’re not a fruit, and whoever said so, is not a scientist.”

–  Me to my schoolyard friends

“Pass the lima beans, Ma!”

       – Me, enjoying yummy beans despite being a picky teen

“Paris is worth a mass; a mass of beans, that is.”

– Me, uninspired by Paris, inspired by beans

“I have so many beans that you couldn’t even count them.”

– Me, a successful bean farmer who has many happy beans

“Lonely man seeking woman. Picture related: it’s my beanstalk.”

– Me, searching for love

“Let’s go out for some coffee beans.”

       – My future wife, planning our first date

“Pinto is the cruelest bean.”

– Myself, pensively fingering a bean pod, considering divorce

“It’s either me or the beans”

-My wife, making an ultimatum. I kill her immediately.

“What would Jesus do?”

– Myself, meditating upon two green beans I hold in the shape of a cross

“A bean is a bean is a bean.”

– Me, in turn digging my hands into a gunnysack of garbanzos and throwing fistfuls into the sky to watch them rain down around me

“I have so many beans that you couldn’t even count them.”

– Me, an old, lonely, delusional bean man, speaking to a bean on which I’ve drawn a friendly face