Bra Sizing – The Harvard Lampoon

# From Venus

| Issue Editor: RJS '17 | Art Editor: KAM '17

Bra Sizing

  HJH '19 , Art: BAB '17

The bra sizing process has several steps, four Edgar Allan Poe allusions and three bonus easter eggs. I have only begun to grasp the complexity of this ritual.

Upon entering the bra store (aka Boob Saloon), the woman must prove that she does indeed have breasts. This process involves an online, timed quiz in which she must identify the word boob as many times as possible. The quiz-makers are notorious for slipping the word “bood” into the list to trick the candidates. If the quiz is passed, the woman is granted an audience with the Snake Man. The Snake Man is immortal.

From this point forward, the process is at the discretion of the Snake Man. However, this is merely a formality as the process is identical at every Boob Saloon in the world. The woman must now impress the Snake Man’s friends who are in town for their 25th high school reunion and craving a taste of the glory days. Rocksville High, baby. This step is as simple as battling a series of small villains followed by one large boss villain who stole all of the boobs from a nearby city.

If she can defeat this opponent, she may approach the Snake Man. He will bring her to another room which has a trapdoor leading to a second room which contains a ladder that leads back to the first room. Vintage Snake Man. He then begins the fitting process by estimating the volume of the woman’s breast in terms of snakes. This is extremely hard to do so he usually gets it wrong. Luckily, there is another method involving rulers I think.