Buying A Boat – The Harvard Lampoon

Nantucket Sleighride #

| Issue Editor: ZDG '20 | Art Editor: SKL '23

Buying A Boat

  MMM '20

So you’ve landed an interview for a part time internship at a non-profit and you think it’s finally time to reward yourself by putting a not-so-small down payment on one of our luxury yachts. A very wise decision, sir. I’m not just saying that as a salesman. I’m saying that as a friend. Not your friend, per se, but I have many other friends and well— why don’t you just come on down to the marina tomorrow and give em a look. See what catches your eye. I’m going on vacation for the week, but our new salesman Ronny has been looking after the shop. He’ll get you set up.

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Nice to meet you, Ronny’s the name and boat selling is the game. Well now it is. Used to pretend to be blind and sell knives door to door. Yessir used to say the old, “Good-day sir or madam, are your knife needs being satisfied by your current provider?” And then I’d pretend to stumble and drop a bunch of knives on people’s stoops. And you know those things were just pieces of garbage, they’d fall apart in a strong breeze, so they’d break and I’d guilt people into giving me a couple bucks here and there. 

Yessir, tried that same shtick right here at the marina last week and the owner was so impressed by my apt for sales that he said, “What are you doing next week? I’m hitting the strip while my wife’s away on business and I just need anyone to watch my store while I’m away.” I took off my sunglasses right then and there and said, “what are you talking about? I’m a blind guy trying to sell you knives.” Then he had to explain it to me some more and now here we are. I’m a real boat store employee.

Now I understand you’re looking for a boat. Well here at Atlantic City Marina we have a saying: “you get what you pay for.” And you’re paying for a boat, so we’ll get you a… boat. Truthfully I have no understanding as to why that is our saying, seems redundant, like we’re just stating the obvious even though it doesn’t need to be stated. But, you know, I’m just Ronny. I just say the line.

So right through this door is the dock, I’ll show you what we’ve got available. Sorry the door sticks you really gotta put your shoulder into it. There we go.

Hm. Um. There were boats here not one day ago, I don’t know what… will you excuse me for a second I need to make a phone call. 

Hey there boss! Yessir I know. I know, no calls unless your wife comes by the shop. The darndest thing happened. Um. All the boats aren’t here anymore. Well that’s exactly what I’m saying! It does seem impossible. No. No, nothing out of the ordinary. I just moved in all my boxes of knives to the cabins of the boats last night, and this morning— well I don’t see where you’re going with this, but yes I suppose the knives are fairly heavy. I don’t know, sir, I’m not a perfectly accurate digital or analog scale, I’m just Ronny! I would guess each box was about 400 pounds. I would guess about 5-6 hundred boxes per boat. Do not yell at me I am with a customer! They are BOATS they are MADE for the water, who cares if they’re underneath it or on top of it. Okay I understand. Yes I’ll leave my uniform on the desk. Thank you again for this opportunity while it lasted— ah he hung up.

Sorry about that sir— erm or Madam… Now where was I? Did you know that knives which have been submerged underwater for approximately one night are far more expensive than dry knives? Oh excuse me, didn’t mean to knock that coffee out of your hand. I am blind after all. Perhaps a dollar? A dollar for Ronny?