Carhop – The Harvard Lampoon

By Any Means Necessary #

| Issue Editor: ACW '15 | Art Editor: SESH '16


  MVS '17


Imagine bringing food to people in cars. Now imagine doing all of that on rollerskates. Well, my friend, that’s the job of a carhop. Welcome to my world.

Last Friday was a busy day at Flippy’s Burgerhouse. 

I really felt like I was coming into my own as a carhop. Sure, there were some kinks. I sometimes had to ask patrons to speak louder because of my bum ear. I also hadn’t totally figured out how to roller-skate backwards yet. And occasionally I wouldn’t fasten the plastic lids onto the soda cups tightly enough. But mostly I was heading upwards. I knew that next summer I’d be named Top Carhop, the true top of the carhops at Flippy’s. Watch out, world, because I’m rolling over to your thunderbird with a tray of large fries and a medium soda pop. Roll down your window, world. Your order is ready.

Flippy, my manager (whose name is unrelated to the naming of Flippy’s Burgerhouse), gave me a new order: it was a Flippy’s Burger (essentially a hamburger, but with Flippy’s Sauce, which is essentially “yogurt paste,” which is basically yogurt with some chemicals) and a large fries. I loaded up a tray and headed out to the curb.

“Wait,” said Flippy. “You forgot to throw in some napkins with the order.”

“Fuck,” I bleated. “Rookie mistake.” I did a 180 and threw some napkins on the tray. Flippy eyed me strangely.

“Why’d you just turn around like that? Can’t you skate backwards?”

“Afraid not,” I said, with a laugh. “But I’m working on it!”

“You can’t skate backwards? That’s ridiculous. How the fuck did you even get hired? You’re fired. Someone should have fired you a very long time ago.”