I guess I’m “sorry” for writing a piece called “Chess for Women” which is just a description of the game of Checkers. I guess I’m “also” “sorry” for not including all of the rules of Checkers, because I perceived some of the rules to be too complex for the piece, okay?
Okay so fine, here are the “actual” rules of Chess. See if you can follow along, girls. Essentially there are either 6 or 36 pieces, depending on how you count them. So the “starter pack” essentially includes the king, queen, tallpointy, rook (which is also called the “castle,” but for the sake of simplicity I will not longer refer to this piece at all), and pon. The optional “booster pack” includes the thimble, race car, top hat, shoe, battleship, iron, dog, and wheelbarrow. As a woman, you may only play as the thimble or the iron, both honestly really great choices. The final twelve pieces are
often referred to by chess insiders as the “dirty dozen,” and they are apples, peaches, nectarines, strawberries, grapes, celery, spinach, sweet bell peppers, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, imported snap peas and potatoes, which are the twelve produce items with the highest average pesticide contamination in 2012. Usually white makes the first move, but black can go first if you move fast enough. The pons are most commonly moved first, because if you get a pon to the opposite end of the board, you can stack two pons on top of each other to make a “two-pon-stack.” However, due to the shape of the pon, this is extremely difficult and cannot be done whatsoever at all. If you lose a pon, like on the ground or it rolls into a storm drain, do not be discouraged, because pons are the least valuable piece. A king is worth 8 pons and a queen is worth 7 pons. Do not read into that, these are just the rules of chess. Each pon is worth $1 unless signed by Aerosmith back-up guitarist Brad Whitford, in which case it is worth either 75 cents or $10k, depending on who’s buying. One thing that I forgot to mention is that if your opponent guesses the position of your battleship, you have to scream, “FUCK, YOU BATTLESHOT MY BATTLESHIP” but nothing else happens to you until later. At any point in the game, you can switch the positions of two pieces if you move quickly when your opponent is not looking or if your opponent was blind to start with. At this point you might notice that the chess board includes a number of snakes and ladders; this is because you are incorrectly using the board for the classic board game, “Trivial Pursuit: Snakes and Ladders Edition.” The queen is a special piece because it can move however it wants, but mostly it always moves to the same square as the king and comes up behind it and says, “What are you thinking about?” The knight is a strong piece (190 XP strength, 50 XP agility, 2 XP potions), but it is extremely heavy so most of the time moving it is not worth the physical exertion. If you try to move any of the pieces to the underside of the chessboard, they will fall on the ground due to gravity. If at any point two knights find themselves on adjacent squares, this is called the “Horse’s Kiss” and both players must recite,
“A wish, a wish, for horse’s kiss /
Don’t race, embrace, a horse’s love /
Carrot, marrot, horses, share it /
I’m small, you’re tall, a horse is all /
to the tune of “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing” by Aerosmith. As you do this, you must join hands and dance around the chessboard, and at the end of the song, the two players switch places and must now each play as the opposite side. This marks the completion of part 1 of 16 of Chess.