There’s nothing quite like the birth of your first child, and I guess the births of your other kids too. Because it’s your first child, a lot questions get answered, such as “What do contractions feel like?” and “Which brands of condoms don’t work?” Pick a hospital long in advance, and forgo the water birth option in your neighbor’s hot tub. A baby shouldn’t be born where it was conceived.
On an unrelated note, your partner may feel some discomfort during this process. While epidurals can help this, some women choose to go the natural route, by building up their pain tolerance level beforehand. You can help her with this by taking her to underground pregnant women fight clubs or by simply punching her in her baby bulge every night, right after playing it Mozart.
When the baby’s ready to come out, have cigars ready to go. Your girlfriend’s had to lay off them for nine months. While your partner pushes, be sure to pull—the soft baby head makes it easy to get a good grip. Finally, once the baby’s out, don’t rejoice over your son’s endowment just yet; it’s called an umbilical cord. I made this rookie mistake with my daughter, Frank.