Christmas Letter – The Harvard Lampoon

Get Off My Lawn #

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Christmas Letter

  JBO '10

My grandparents are always saying how they want us to come see them. Here’s their most recent Christmas letter:

Dear family,

Well, what a year it has been! Though your grandfather and I have had our share of trials — the slow but steady passing of all people our age, all the time, the house fire, the bed fire, the second bed fire, the being trapped in an increasingly useless body — receiving your gift reminds us of how much we have to be thankful for. I didn’t think it was possible, but that candle really does smell like a cookie! We have placed it next to the razzleberry candle you sent us last year.

As we approach our fiftieth year together (!), your grandfather and I have learned a lot about growing older. When you’re old, for instance, it’s hard to live in a house that has recently had a fire in most of it. The stairs can be a chore, because they’re jagged and breaking. And sometimes there’s a snake nest under one of the boards, and a snake bites you on the leg, and you pass out for a week, and your husband starts crying because he doesn’t want to starve. But then you wake up because it was only a baby snake. Another thing is that if you aren’t careful, drifters will pry their way through one of the sides of your house and set up a little shantytown. You can try to make them go, but their dogs are always prowling around and herding you.

It’s been a few years since we’ve seen or heard from any of you, so maybe you can come visit sometime. We know how busy you are, but if you came for even fifteen minutes, you might be able to reason with the head drifter to let us have more room privileges. But of course, we don’t want to be any trouble!

Yesterday, I reached into a box of cereal and it was almost all beatles.


Grandma and Grandpa