Chunk Tennis – The Harvard Lampoon

Words of Our City #

| Issue Editor: EWvS '14 | Art Editor: KER '14

Chunk Tennis

  KPFS '15

Hello and welcome to the Wimbledon Cube, home of the newest sport, Chunk Tennis. I’ll be your commentator, lineman, and The Cube boy for the afternoon.

Chunk Tennis is as simple as it sounds. Instead of tennis balls, our competitors will be using The Cube, which is objectively more erratic.

Scientists say it is improbable that a normal cube could bounce, but this is The Cube, and they know nothing. They are too scared to look at it. I am scared but also feel respect and fellowship. Let’s get a player’s perspective on The Cube. Neither player will look at me, but I think that says it all.

The Cube is so sharp that it could easily slice through a carbon fiber tennis racket. Luckily those know-nothing scientists have developed a titanium tennis mallet. This is one of the only things The Cube will not slice through.

One second, player one hit a practice volley into the stands, and I need to retrieve The Cube and ensure that it has come to no harm. Nice work!

Feeling The Cube, it is fuzzy and indeed sharp. It is a good sharp. No one remembers where The Cube came from or why we use it, but it is beautiful, or it would be if you looked directly at it. You can look directly at it, but you will not be able to look away. You may think you will be able to look away, but you won’t. All Chunk Tennis players have looked at The Cube.

Let’s go over some of the last few tweaks to the traditional rules. There are no lines, and players get two bounces to hit The Cube, but this is inadvisable.

Fans, eyes off The Cube, lower your facemasks. Let’s Chunk!