CIA: Atlantis – The Harvard Lampoon

# From Venus

| Issue Editor: RJS '17 | Art Editor: KAM '17

CIA: Atlantis

  DRM '18 , Art: ARC '18

The following is a report dated 8/13/98 from the CIA Bahama office:

1200 Hours Local Time: Target checked in to Atlantis Resort & Spa. I checked in to the resort to further surveil target and charged the room to CIA credit card #3185.

1315 Hours: Target spotted on hotel golf course. I strategically teed off from the first hole in pursuit. Target was lost. I birdied the sixth hole.

1445 Hours: Target noticed me and fled down the Leap of Faith waterslide in Atlantis Water Park. I followed target down the Leap of Faith waterslide. I returned to recheck the security of the waterslide again on my own.

1530 Hours: Spa employee was believed to be an informant for target. I received a massage from each masseuse with aim of conducting counterintelligence. No informant found. Tactical utility of my back was greatly enhanced.

1625 Hours: Target was lost again. In order to reestablish cover I got my face painted like a kitty cat.

1755 Hours: Possible target spotting on beach. I established beach perimeter by entering limbo competition. Suspected dangerous element beat me. I violently neutralized this element and claimed first prize. No sight of target.

1835 Hours: Requisitioned several mojitos. I’m feelin’ good.

1940 Hours: I commandeered a jet ski in order to patrol coastline. Or something like that. The wind rushing through my hair as I bounced off the whitecaps felt like heaven.

2015 Hours: Target identified fleeing resort in rocket boat. I made tactical decision to tactically remain at resort for further tactical surveillance. That waterslide seemed suspicious to me.

2016 Hours: The sun melting over the horizon above the white sandy beach formed a beautiful symphony of reds and yellows. The Free World is safe for another day.