Claiming Responsibility – The Harvard Lampoon

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| Issue Editor: AMG '10 | Art Editor: JPFG '12

Claiming Responsibility

  JDA '12

– Thank you for calling USA Today. How may I help you?

– Listen closely because I will not repeat myself. This is the mighty Brotherhood of Jihad. We hereby claim responsibility for yesterday’s attacks in Washington. Let the bloodshed be a warning to all–

– Hold on, my computer’s frozen.

– Oh… okay.

– One sec. I’ve got to enter this into my call log. Did you say Brothers of Jihad?

– Brotherhood of Jihad.

– Got it. Sorry, our computers are really slow today.

– It’s fine. Just listen. The Brotherhood of Jihad wishes these attacks to signify a new era of terror. America’s days of happiness are–

– I’m sorry, it’s frozen again.

– Really?

– It never did seem to be back up to full speed. I’m very sorry, sir.

– Can’t you just write this down?

– I’m afraid not. Policy.

– Policy. Typical. Well, remember what I’m telling you: yesterday’s death and destruction was a mere taste of what is to come. Specifically–

– Here we go, back up and running! Okay sir, let’s start from the top. You’re calling about renewing your subscription?