– Thank you for calling USA Today. How may I help you?
– Listen closely because I will not repeat myself. This is the mighty Brotherhood of Jihad. We hereby claim responsibility for yesterday’s attacks in Washington. Let the bloodshed be a warning to all–
– Hold on, my computer’s frozen.
– Oh… okay.
– One sec. I’ve got to enter this into my call log. Did you say Brothers of Jihad?
– Brotherhood of Jihad.
– Got it. Sorry, our computers are really slow today.
– It’s fine. Just listen. The Brotherhood of Jihad wishes these attacks to signify a new era of terror. America’s days of happiness are–
– I’m sorry, it’s frozen again.
– It never did seem to be back up to full speed. I’m very sorry, sir.
– Can’t you just write this down?
– I’m afraid not. Policy.
– Policy. Typical. Well, remember what I’m telling you: yesterday’s death and destruction was a mere taste of what is to come. Specifically–
– Here we go, back up and running! Okay sir, let’s start from the top. You’re calling about renewing your subscription?