Commercial Shoot – The Harvard Lampoon

Last Ditch Effort #

| Issue Editor: HLD '18 | Art Editor: KDF '19

Commercial Shoot

  CdLLdR '21

-Listen, kid. This is easy. Just read off the teleprompter, and we’re golden. Start whenever.

-Alright… Choose to eschew the chew with––uh.

-Keep going buddy, you’re doing super.

With, uh, with some stew at Shaky Stu’s well-stocked so… sho… I––I don’t know how to say this.

-Happens to the best of us. It’s easy: Soup Shop.

-The teleprompter says Soap Sack.

-That’s what I just said. Slap Stop.

-Those sound like different things to me, but as long as I’m getting paid, you’re in charge.

-Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’re not paying you, but I love your motivation. Next line.

(Smacks lips) And savor oozy sushi slices at Joy Shoal’s soy shack.

-That was great, just make sure you hit the Ps next time. We’re being sponsored. Sponsored by P.

Swallow icy salsa sludge from silly Alice’s shallow chalices this Sunday from 6:00 to Shh! A.M.

-Hmm. Needs more pizzazz. You gotta get me excited about buying this life insurance!

You got it, bossman. Swishy Sasha’s sissy sis sheared Cyril’s she-eel Saoirse––

-Faster!

(Rushing) At Shake ‘N Snake, the one-stop-shop for sassy asps––

-Louder!

(Screaming) Alas the lass spilt silt down Sal’s sheer shirt slit. But who sloshed snow slush at the hush-hush social? Ush… sa––Wow, this is really tough stuff. Who wrote this?

-Sloane Herschel and Saul Marshall.

-Authors of the short story Soldier’s Shoulder?

-From the anthology Single Shingle, yes. How’d you know?

-I just made that up.

-You’re getting the hang of it, pal. Now repeat after me: A sin! My shin. The same shame, Sam’s sham scam. That sly shill shall sell shucked seashells, pre-sucked. Smash the subtle shuttle! The ash banshee has shirked her silken sash: a septic spectacle.

-Uhh, yeah… Quick question: what are we advertising here?

-Choosy Susy’s Slow Show Co. sells shale shoe soles.

-What?

-Yes.