Consulting Info Session – The Harvard Lampoon

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| Issue Editor: WCS '11 | Art Editor: IVP '12

Consulting Info Session

  OTLB '13

Consulting. What’s it all about? The three Ms: Manage solutions, Monetize reward, and Movement. More on those in a sec.

How old are you?  22? Wanna move to New York C, make it big in the business world? Let me let you in on my first little secret: see this premium one-dollar bill? Look a little closer, bro–it’s not a dollar, it’s a yuan, and I earned this baby in China vis-à-vis consulting.

I got to the top and I guess it’ll be easy for you too, just follow me. What you gotta do is log onto our firm’s website, That’s going to take you to our splash page, where you can go English, Simplified Chinese, Tradish Chinese, or Encrypted. See that’s going to redirect you to a high-broadband multimedia portal where you can choose any four options you like. Me and the boys like to switch up options every once and while, just to josh. Our work environment is fun and fresh, keeps the neurons whizzing in the Shanghai smog. Oh, yeah, you go to Shanghai. Jealous?

Well come on then, we’re hiring right now. Trust me, we’re not starting you off in the mailroom or anything like that, unless you need a crash course in Shanghainese! To be clear, you do not need to know either Shanghainese or any other dialect of Wu Chinese or any Chinese to work for us. Just show us a degree from an accredited four-year or two-year institution and you’re making five figures right out the gate. That’s like easily eight figures in America.

We’re gonna be bringing you in as a Tier-1. If you were a Tier-5 like me you could do experimental consulting, collect on your own terms. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, cowboy: if you want the reward you gotta take the risk. Don’t worry though, everyone goes Tier-2 in their first week and that’s it for patrol duty.

A couple of years down the road you’re looking at a corner office above the Yangtze, hit a few holes at Sheshan on the weekend, maybe get a pretty little Chinese thing working for you. Another year or two, maybe you and hse are dual bosses. Just don’t fall for these Asian broads, OK? They use you then they lose you. They are great businesswomen.

Look, I’m not gonna stand here and tell you what to do, that’s not me. But I will say that BMWs don’t drive themselves, and the Chinese have a version of the BMW that could easily pass inspection and usually does. The BMrWW handles sweet–it glides to the shipyard by itself. Get it in some nice cargo space heading to San Fran and you just made fifty bucks US, no prob.

You guys look chill. Come join us. The possibilities are limitless. China is the only nation in the world that grants consultants extralegal visas so the possibilities are actually limitless. You can have any kind of record but we need to see a real college degree. It’s a lawyer thing.