Cougar Safety – The Harvard Lampoon

This Time Tomorrow #

| Issue Editor: OTLB '13 | Art Editor: DRB '14

Cougar Safety

  EHP '15

A revision to the Eastern Cougar Foundation safety pamphlet has again agitated rural Virginia. Responding to the new tip to “keep children beside you at all times”, locals have withdrawn their children from school to provide 24/7 protection.

“I don’t know what it is about kids…but I guess they’re a kind of talisman against cougars,” said local farmer Brent Dallas. “That’s why I’ve always homeschooled mine. And had them wear their clothes inside-out, and made sure they’re never upside-down, and sewn their baby teeth into my hunting jacket.”

Many have tried to account for this defense system.

       “I can’t explain it,” says 9-year-old Gail Paulson, “But I speak to them with my mind, and I know they’ll obey me when I say get. And it beats Sunday school.”

Young Sammy Dobbs agrees. “Every kid has a special connection with pumas,” he explains. “Like I know they actually prefer being called ‘mountain lions.’”

       The ECF recently issued a follow-up urging folks to return their kids to school, noting that the US sees only 0.33 cougar attacks in a typical year.

       “Doesn’t change my mind,” said Dallas. “Even if they only eat a third of you, you’re still dead.”