Crossing Guard – The Harvard Lampoon

Big Cheese #

| Issue Editor: EIS '16 | Art Editor: MY '16

Crossing Guard

  DRM '18

Woah there, little Jimmy! I’ll let you know when to cross, buddy. I’m your school crossing guard, so it’s my job to protect you from the cars. I have to make sure not too many of you kids get hit. Just the right amount.

You see, Jimmy, life on the crosswalk, just like life in the animal kingdom, is all about balance. I don’t want to let a car mow down little Suzie over there. I have to, to maintain equilibrium.

One day, I don’t know what crazy idea came over me, I let all the kids get across safely. The next day, the cars came for the children when I wasn’t around to protect them. It was a blood bath.

Oh wait, stay back here, Jimmy. Let’s just let Janine cross first. Aaaaaand BAM! Whew, there she goes. It’s sad, but it had to happen.

No one’s quite sure why the cars are so desperate to mercilessly cut down children each day. When I asked the Principal, he seemed really confused by the question. And when I tried to ask one of the cars, it drove right by me. You win this one, cars.

Here, Jimmy, tell Daniel to go ahead and cross. Yeah tell him I’ll definitely stop the cars for him.

I’m not going to stop the cars for him.

But the point is, Jimmy, that the cars listen to me. And if they don’t, I sharpened the end of my stop sign so I can slash their tires. Tires are the throats of the cars.

As far as I’m concerned, I got into the crossing guard game to save lives. Not all the lives, but most of them. That’s what it’s all about.