Dance Battle – The Harvard Lampoon

The Grass is Greener #

| Issue Editor: CHS '17 | Art Editor: AEV '18

Dance Battle

  JGS '20

Yeah I was there on Raspberry Street when it all went down. Deaf Daniel and Blind Rob had a
dance battle in front of everyone. The DJ hit the music and pointed to Deaf Daniel. Deaf Daniel
was like, “What? Why are you pointing?” Everyone was scrambling for paper and pen to tell
Deaf Daniel to dance. The whole time, Blind Rob’s screaming, “Is he dancing? Hello? Is he
dancing?”

Pretty soon the crowd is so big that the cops show up. The Raspberry Street cops are notorious
for their love of dance and notorious in a weird way for their fascination with the deaf and blind.
Blind Rob has wandered 3 blocks away. He shouts out, “I’m just going to assume it’s my turn to
dance now!” He’s never seen what dancing looks like, so he just starts punching some guy in
the face. It’s rude to stop a blind man from dancing, so the guy just has to stand there and take
it.

Deaf Daniel sees the crowd going nuts, he sees Blind Rob dancing, and he can’t hear anything
ever. There’s a bumping hip-hop beat playing. Deaf Daniel rips off his tear-away sweatpants
and starts doing the most beautiful waltz we’ve ever seen.

Before long there’s a new challenger: Noseless Tony. He gets out on the floor and just does a
series of farts since he has no idea how inconsiderate this is. Painless José isn’t going to let
Noseless Tony outdo him, so he starts dancing by eating scorpions. But, that’s nothing
compared to Temperature-Insensitive Justin. He brings it all home with the crowd favorites.

Suddenly all the greats join in: Colostomy Bag Ron, Half-Retarded Toby, Hairless Mary, Fully
Retarded Frank, Tuberculosis Teddy, Victor the Narcoleptic, Too Many Hands Diane, and Very
Disabled Michael. Then out of nowhere, Deaf Daniel and Blind Rob are dancing together. It’s
the most amazing dance duo. The crowd goes wild. The music ends. The trophy goes to Two
Legs “Hip-Hop Maverick” Travis.