Dear Mr. President – The Harvard Lampoon

Symphonia Fantastica #

| Issue Editor: | Art Editor: JFAR '19

Dear Mr. President

  HJH '19

Dear President,

My name is Bradley and I am 8. I’m from Ohio and my mom won’t let me play on the computer. Will you come and tell her to let me play on the computer? I want to really badly. There is a game where you jump that is looking very fun to me.

Also I want to sleep over at my friend Corey’s house but my mom said no and you have to tell her to say yes. Corey’s mom does bad things but she buys Lunchables that I want to eat. And Corey has an Xbox! His mom does really bad things.

I’m going to visit my grandpa next weekend.

Love,

Bradley

P.S. I am going to be a Navy SEAL with a gun. Love Bradley.

Dear Bradley,

I’m glad you wrote me such a wonderful letter. It’s clear that you are a thoughtful and bright young man.

I suppose you are young, and this may seem odd, but normally, the President of the United States does not get involved in matters like this. But this is no normal circumstance. Bradley as soon as you receive this letter I need you to pick up the phone and call 911. Tell them to send an ambulance to your home address. Now I hope no one gets hurt, but I cannot fully guarantee your mother’s safety.

I’m familiar with the game Jumping Jeremy. It is a very fun game. I have also slept over at Corey’s house and it is very fun. You are correct about him having an Xbox. Within 24 hours I will be at your home. Your mother and I will have a discussion, and like I said there is a solid chance she will be gravely injured.

Bradley, I’m going to kill your mother. You need to go down into the basement and wait until it’s over. It may seem overboard to bring SEAL Team 6, which is why I’m not bringing them. Just me and my bodyguards.

Being the president is a complicated and, frankly, stressful job. But it’s letters from children like you that give me hope and remind me why I chose to sit in the Oval Office in the first place. I hope you have a wonderful time at your grandfather’s house!

Sincerely,

The President