Deputy Sheriff – The Harvard Lampoon

My Creation Myth #

| Issue Editor: ASB '17 | Art Editor: ASB '17

Deputy Sheriff

  HLD '18

One day I’ll stand up to the Sheriff.

The Skate-Rink Ringer:
Sheriff: Go get ‘em
Deputy: This is your time to shine.
Me: Why don’t you do it?
Sheriff: My knees are too weak to skate.
Me: I do all the dirty work around here and get none of the credit. (Skate gracefully to the ringer, double-axil spin, two kicks to the temple, knocked out cold. Perfect 10).

Murder at the Carnival:
Sheriff: He’s swinging from the top of the ferris wheel. Get him!
Me: You get him you old frog!
Sheriff: I can’t climb. My knees.
Me: I’m basically a slave. (swing from gondola to gondola like an elder gondalier, cuff the guy,
500 tokens, win a giant Kobe Bryant figurine).

Trouble on the B-ball Court:
Sheriff: There’s a bomb threat at the Staples center. We need your help.
Me: And what are you doing tonight plumpy?
Sheriff: Knee surgery. Take these two tickets, they’re floor seats.
Me: I never catch a break. (half-court swish, sit next to a blonde, OTPHJ, Kobe signs my Kobe