DMV – The Harvard Lampoon

Cruisin' For Burgers #

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  KMN '12

– Hello sir. Here to renew your license? 

– Yep. Just turned 21!

 – Ok well let’s have a look. Address still 500 Wychwood Road? 

– Yes indeed.

 – Eyes still hazel? Still male? (chuckles)

 – Uh yep. All that info should be the same as before. 

– Still 5 foot 8? 

– Yes sir. 

– Well you know I can… fudge that one a little. If you want me to. 

– No, no. Sixty eight inches on the dot. 

– Look Organ Donor, five eight is no good. Too short to be hired by the big firms; too tall to ride the bumper cars with a partner. Are you the tallest short man or the shortest tall man? Average equals invisible. What you need, my friend, is a trademark. 

– Oh my god. You’re so right. Make me six foot two. No—four foot three. Seven foot eight! 

– That’s the spirit. 

– And put that I have facial hair. “Lots of interesting facial hair.” Write that somewhere.