doctor in the house – The Harvard Lampoon

Get Off My Lawn #

| Issue Editor: HHD '09 | Art Editor: GMRD '09

doctor in the house

  AMG '10

Woman: Help! Help! This man fell off the stage! Is there a doctor in the house?
Doctor: I’m a doctor. Well, a horse doctor, but it’s essentially the same principles.
Woman: Can you help this man?
Doctor: That depends. Is it a racer or a breeder?
Woman: It?
Doctor: [chuckling] Old horse doctor joke.
Woman: I’m not sure I…
Doctor: We only treat racers.
Woman: Doctor, this man is unconscious. What should we do?
Doctor: Well first I need to check his age.
Woman: He’s 40! Please take your fist out of his mouth. He’s 40 years old.
Doctor: That’s pretty old. Are you sure you wouldn’t just rather… [makes slicing motion across neck]
Woman: Oh my God. His leg. There’s a bone sticking out.
Doctor: Broken leg. Damn it. I hate this part of the job. [cocks pistol and slowly raises it]
Woman: Please don’t! This man… he has a family!
Doctor: [shaking head] When it breaks a leg, you have no other option.

Doctor in the House: A Spin-Off

Man: This horse is injured! Is there a doctor in the house?
Doctor: I’m a doctor. Well, a human doctor, but it’s essentially the same principles.
Man: This horse. He broke his leg. Can you help him?
Doctor: [snapping glove] Turn its head and tell it to cough.