Elevator Man – The Harvard Lampoon

Lampy's Golden Age #

| Issue Editor: BAS '14 | Art Editor: ECM '15

Elevator Man

  ACW '15

-So, you’re applying for the elevator man position?

-Yes, sir. I’ve been in many elevators and I think that…

(Chuckling) You’ve been in many elevators…Do you know what it means to be an elevator man, son?

– From what my temp agency told me, I have to ride the elevator.

-And?

-And…

(Leaning Back) Roger, look around you. Do you see this office? Do you see the expensive fountain pen on my desk? Do you see my hand caressing your inner thigh?

-Yes.

-And?

-Sir, I know I can do this job. I have references that can attest to–

(Chortling) References. Roger, unless you have a reference from my elevator, I honestly couldn’t care less.

-As I’ve mentioned, I’ve worked–

(Sniggering) Let me let you in on a little secret, my boy. (Leaning Closer) Those people you saw rushing about the office as you came in? I hired them. Do you understand?

-Yes.

-No. I don’t think you do. I hired those people to do that. To rush around. And that’s it.

-Oh. I see.

-I’m the only one who really works here, Roger. The receptionist is paid to look like a receptionist. I pay someone to call the phones every once in a while. So, your job as the elevator man is to do what then?

-Ride the elevator.

-And?

-That’s it.

-Very good.