Elevator Man – The Harvard Lampoon

Lampy's Golden Age #

| Issue Editor: BAS '14 | Art Editor: ECM '15

Elevator Man

  ACW '15

-So, you’re applying for the elevator man position?

-Yes, sir. I’ve been in many elevators and I think that…

(Chuckling) You’ve been in many elevators…Do you know what it means to be an elevator man, son?

– From what my temp agency told me, I have to ride the elevator.



(Leaning Back) Roger, look around you. Do you see this office? Do you see the expensive fountain pen on my desk? Do you see my hand caressing your inner thigh?



-Sir, I know I can do this job. I have references that can attest to–

(Chortling) References. Roger, unless you have a reference from my elevator, I honestly couldn’t care less.

-As I’ve mentioned, I’ve worked–

(Sniggering) Let me let you in on a little secret, my boy. (Leaning Closer) Those people you saw rushing about the office as you came in? I hired them. Do you understand?


-No. I don’t think you do. I hired those people to do that. To rush around. And that’s it.

-Oh. I see.

-I’m the only one who really works here, Roger. The receptionist is paid to look like a receptionist. I pay someone to call the phones every once in a while. So, your job as the elevator man is to do what then?

-Ride the elevator.


-That’s it.

-Very good.