Email – The Harvard Lampoon

Tenderfoot #

| Issue Editor: MKG '10 | Art Editor: IMTB '11

Email

  JBO '10

Hey man, how’s it going? This is sort of random, but I may have accidentally sent you an email, a joke email that was not meant to read by anybody. Anyway, if you did get that email, and you noticed the whole name coincidence thing (by some weird coincidence I think in the email your name is used as a name a few times), you may have gotten some wrong ideas. I should probably clear some stuff up.

Number one, I do not think you’re disgusting, even though, in the email, that is what I say. But really, that could not be further from the truth. So I feel even more embarrassed that the email had that part about you being “the kind of person who probably sets aside time every day to go sit in a closet and eat two enormous burritos out of a paper bag, and they call the time ‘snack’ to themselves, and it’s like, a source of comfort or whatever.” As I said, I do not think you’re disgusting, so it makes no sense for that part to be in the email.

Next, the part about how you “display overt lesbianic tendencies, and only the worst ones.” I need to make myself clear: I don’t think that’s true. I certainly don’t think it’s true “beyond a shade of doubt.”

Other things: I have not been trying to hire people to punch you in the back of the head when you’re walking around in the day, or hiring one who says he’ll do it, but for the amount I’m willing to pay he can’t guarantee he’ll be able to control how hard he does it. There is no “secret chemical castration regimen” and how could I even implement it? There is not even such a thing as a “career sabotager” (that I know of).

There’s other stuff in there. I know that, and I know you’ve read it and I’ve read it. But as I said before, the email is a joke, and should be read as such, and I don’t think there’s a need to go further than that. The weirdest thing is, the email wasn’t even about you. I randomly picked a name to be in the email (I forgot to say this, but the thing was an assignment for this writing class I’m in, a fiction class thing), and then I wrote it. Although I won’t apologize for writing these things (just because they aren’t even truly what I think), I do apologize for you having to see them, because some of the stuff, you must be very scared about it.

See you at work,

John

Also –

That image attached at the bottom that says “shoot to kill, Rape Gangs” and has a picture of you underneath it – that one is of you. But I found that just lying around in some printer somewhere (I forget where now). I don’t know why I put it into my computer.