Excerpts from the Rand Mining Corporation Information Pamphlet – The Harvard Lampoon

The Burnout #

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Excerpts from the Rand Mining Corporation Information Pamphlet

  JBO '10

“If an unplanned mine collapse occurs when you are near a deposit, quietly continue to work until you have obtained its ore. Then, take a look at your surroundings. Are the rocks small and loose, like a burial mound? Or are they large and sturdy, like a stone tomb?”

“This is quarrying. Gather the ore together and shift your body into its most protective form—heavier people flat on top, lighter ones curled tightly around. “

“Warming your shack with coal? Next time, buy it with Mine Money, the new salary option from the Rand Mining Corporation. It can be used at the coal depot. Mine Money: what you are paid with here.”

“To our museum staff: Rand’s American Mines exhibit is about tradition. Employees will be given one pickaxe, one headlamp, and one canary. If this is an exhibit, where are the visitors or exits? Good question. “If you’re in the director’s office asking for a raise, shhh! There’s a baby sleeping. A baby who will die without one thousand pounds of medicinal gold per week. And I’m sorry, what did you want to talk about? I was just thinking how much I want my child to live.”

“Trapped here? No. The bear traps are solely to keep bears out.”