Flight Delay – The Harvard Lampoon

Dessert Island #

| Issue Editor: NJL '15 | Art Editor: YZ '17

Flight Delay

  RJS '17

Welcome aboard, everyone. This is the captain speaking. We’re just going to be delayed a few minutes because someone replaced the wings on the plane with enormous falcon wings. If you look out the windows, you can probably see them.

I know they look incredible. The peregrine is a majestic specimen. That said, our engineers are uncertain that the wings can support the weight of the plane, and our ornithologists are uneasy about the ethics of this machine-bird creation.

If anyone noticed anything suspicious earlier, I encourage you to come forward. At least one impossibly giant bird has been killed for the sake of this prank, and two detached Boeing-747 wings have disappeared and are likely being held somewhere. Although no witnesses have as yet come forward, it is extremely unlikely that the process of grafting two huge hunks of dead flesh onto a docked airplane could go completely unnoticed. Please do not be afraid to speak up.

We’re not going anywhere for a while, but I’m just going to try and move the plane around a little, just to see what happens. Oh, wow. Did you guys see that little flap? I’m sure you felt it. What sheer physical power. We could be off the ground in seconds. Whoever did this may be a terrorist, but they did an incredible job.

They’re telling me to cut it out. We’re supposed to wait for a new plane. I really think this could work, though. I bet the wind through our feathers would feel amazing.