Football Recruiter – The Harvard Lampoon

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Football Recruiter

  EFM '09

Here are a few excerpts from a football recruiter’s letter of recommendation to the admissions committee of a college:

“Joseph Lipnitz is the fastest quarterback I’ve ever seen. I tried to go ask him a few questions after practice but he was gone by the time I made it across the field. Unfortunately, I didn’t anticipate that he would run off like that at the last moment. Just when he saw that I was coming and holding out my arms for a hug.”

“Big Joe said he’s never heard of Finkleton’s Community Technical Institute. ‘Look,’ I said, ‘I can get you a scholarship.’ ‘What is that,’ he said, pointing to my hand, ‘a handful of singles?’ But it wasn’t. I had some fives in there, and a shit load of pennies.”

“Joseph Lipnitz. Star. This guy can really throw a football. For example, into the stands where I’m standing with my binoculars, or at my car when I’m driving slowly alongside him, taking notes. Wherever Joseph Lipnitz goes, he takes his duffel bags full of footballs with him.”

“Here’s another thing: Baby Joe Lip can take a shower in less than five minutes. ‘Nice throws out there. Ever think about going pro?’ I asked, giving him a towel. He stumbled back. ‘You were waiting in my locker this whole time?’ My eyes got watery. ‘Don’t you see?’ I said, ‘You’re in, Baby Joe Lip!’”

“I walked Joseph Lipnitz across the parking lot to his’87 Civic. ‘You’re going to be the new face of football,’ I said. He shook his head and smiled, dismissing me bashfully with a wave of his hand. As he drove off, I couldn’t help but think that my life would never be the same. Then it hit me: the check that I wrote him for a billion dollars would probably bounce.”