Forklift – The Harvard Lampoon

This Time Tomorrow #

| Issue Editor: OTLB '13 | Art Editor: DRB '14


  EWvS '14

Hey girl. You wanna ride in my forklift? How about it. It’s a speedy forklift. 23 and a half miles per hour, girl. Inside a warehouse, that is definitely too fast. But I’ll do it for you, babe. Just look at me in this forklift. Observe.


Some people think I only own this forklift for style, but it’s got function, too. Check out these dual glove compartments. Look how the seating layout is perfect for sex. And listen. You ever wanted to move a whale? This forklift can do that, if it’s a very small whale.


One thing I like to do is take my forklift on a container ship, and then when I move containers, I’m moving on top of another thing that’s moving. I like to call this double-movement, a kind of movement exclusive to forklifts.


C’mon girl… Hop on in. Leatherette’s warm. You gotta have things need liftin’. Pallet full of fine merlot? Stack of packaged spaghetti? Seventy servings of warm marinara? I can move anything, unless its in a pile. The fork-based design does not work with piles.
Sometimes I like to sit silently inside the forklift and calculate how many forklifts other things cost. A table for two at that Greek place costs 1/1367th of a forklift. Other times I’ll drive around thinking about what my life would be like without my forklift, which is pretty hard because my only possession is this forklift.