Fortune Cookies – The Harvard Lampoon

Dessert Island #

| Issue Editor: NJL '15 | Art Editor: YZ '17

Fortune Cookies

  MVS '17

Dear Arthur Garrett,


I have a few concerns about the fortune cookies we’re getting from you at Garrett Cookies, Inc. Overall your cookies are good. They have that distinct absence of flavor we look for, and they appear to crack open at a volume that doesn’t disturb other patrons.


But our issue lies in what these fortunes actually say. One fortune simply read “‘Believe in yourself. You can do it’ – Arthur Garrett” While this is a very inspiring quote, the attribution feels unnecessary and I doubt you came up with it yourself. Another said “‘Things will look up, I promise’ ― Arthur Garrett (90% Fortune Accuracy Rating).” Flaunting such a skill appears crude to our patrons and distracts from the wonderful Asian fusion meal they just enjoyed.


And your veiled acknowledgments of your writing skills are inappropriate. “Sometimes the best writers are still out there waiting to be discovered” or “Some people just have a gift for writing fortunes” serves our patrons no purpose and isn’t always true actually. Also no fortunes should have any ― let alone multiple ― footnotes.


Some do appreciate the creative risks you take with your cookies. In fact a few of our employees have been trying for days to piece together the 8-cookie narrative you created. But we feel fortunes should simply be inoffensive conversation pieces at the end of a great meal. Your fortune saying “The ability to dictate others’ fortunes is a skill unmatched by any other,” is unhelpful and sells short the skill required in managing a successful Asian fusion restaurant in a Midwestern suburb.


But I will admit that your rather clever fortune saying that “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’ – Arthur Garrett” does prove itself true again and again, especially when you consider all the risks we’re taking with our new, very successful lunch buffet.



Gary Chan

Chan’s Chinese Cuisine