Gag Gifts – The Harvard Lampoon

Gag Gifts

  BJN '01

 

People love getting gag gifts—but what gag to give? This simple guide to gag gifts is the perfect gag gift for anyone who enjoys giving gag gifts without any outside guidance.

 

For a person who hates gag gifts:

This one’s too obvious—a gag gift! It works on two levels. This gag gift will be a jar of jellybeans that says “Sex Pills.”

 

For a standup comedian:

This guy makes a living off gags (and talking about gags), so a gag gift would just be something he could use professionally. Instead, slash his voicebox. A silent comedian is a gag gift for the audience.

 

For a prisoner of war:

“That jokes! This is the only gift I don’t need!” your friend would surely say about the gag you sent him—if he didn’t already have an identical gag stuck in his mouth!

 

For a diabetic:

A jar of sex pills. The label says “Jellybeans.”

 

For a prisoner of war contemplating suicide:

Smuggle him a fake gun. When the trigger is pulled, out comes a flag that says “POW!” Not only will you avert the suicide, but you’ll remind him of the state that drove him to attempt it. Gotcha!

 

For your wife:

Formally revoke last year’s gift (an official-looking piece of paper that says “License To Be a Bitch.”) My mistake, honey.

 

For Dale Kupersmith inventor of Viagra, the so-called “sex pill”:

A pen that gives you an electric shock. This is the ultimate gag gift.