Goofus & Gallant – The Harvard Lampoon

Big & Nasty #

| Issue Editor: JOM '13 | Art Editor: NL '13

Goofus & Gallant

  KCVD '13

Goofus and Gallant was a feature of Highlights Magazine for Kids. The boys’ different responses to the same scenarios taught children how to handle social situations.

Goofus hits when he gets mad.

Gallant uses his words.

Goofus only shares his candy with implied expectations.

Gallant shares with everyone and is modest about the fact that his snacks are brand name.

Goofus turns to plagiarism and sabotage when he has trouble in school. He cries as a means of manipulation when caught.

Gallant turns to the teacher for help. He cries because he cares.

Goofus gets into college through family connections and by claiming to be part Cherokee. He is soon put on academic probation until his parents donate a building, which he tags.

Gallant gets into college because of his outstanding grades, glowing recommendations, and countless hours spent training service dogs to open cans. Once there, he becomes very popular among adults.

Goofus joins the State Department because he has trouble making close inter-personal connections, and the need for secrecy and distance helps mask that it’s a real problem.

Gallant becomes a pediatrician, even though his high school sweetheart-cum-spouse finds it unmasculine.

Goofus chooses career over love.

Gallant and his wife stay together for the children, but sleep in separate beds for themselves.

Goofus ruthlessly eliminates eleven of the United State’s most wanted foreign enemies in what would be murder if it weren’t a war. He receives the Congressional Medal of Honor.

Gallant is sued for malpractice.

Goofus is caught by a rebel group in an undisclosed location. He is told to let them assassinate the person he was sent to protect or they will bomb a building. He must kill one person to save a thousand. He kills one.

Gallant doesn’t know what he would do in that situation.