Class of 2018. It’s an honor to be giving you this speech not as a superior up on a stage, but rather as an equal hanging from the rafters by the back right corner of the gymnasium. Please hold your applause until the end of the speech, at which point you should all clap once in unison.
I remember when we were all just little kindergarteners. Back then the grass was green and the bases were loaded when Johnny Damon came up to bat. Hold on, sorry I was thinking of Game 4 of the 2004 American League Championship Series. I actually don’t remember kindergarten at all.
And now we’re all grown up. They say life goes by fast, but I only just found out that they say that so I’ve been living in the moment and appreciating every second as it passes like a GD idiot. Of course, there are some moments that none of us will forget. Those memories that are so pristine that not even time can touch them, like when the janitor came out as gay and then changed his mind and then passed away.
Rocksville High has been a ride. With all the concerns about grades and college, it’s easy to forget the most important thing about this place. Look to your left. Look to your right. These are the people to your left and right. The most important thing is the grades.
As you go off to college, I have only one piece of advice to offer: the tropopause separates the troposphere from the stratosphere. If you remember this, you will know at least one fact.