Grandpa’s Birthday Song – The Harvard Lampoon

Celebration #

| Issue Editor: RIP '09 | Art Editor:

Grandpa’s Birthday Song

  EFM '09

DAD: Are you ready for grandpa’s birthday song?
SON: Dad, every year it’s the same thing. Grandpa’s been dead for six years. The fact that you keep his body in the basement just to bring him up every year on his birthday is weird. It’s really weird and very disturbing. I feel like I’m old enough to tell you this now. It’s disgusting. I hate it and it’s a disgrace to grandpa’s memory. He’s dead, and that’s it.
DAD: (whispering) Haaaappyy biiiiirthday to youuu…
SON: Stop it.
DAD: (louder) Haaaappyy biiiirrthday to youuu!
SON: Give it a rest. Please.
DAD: Just sing with me this last time. Let’s finish this one together. Okay?
SON: Okay. Fine.
DAD AND SON: Happy biiiiiirthday, dear grandpa! Happy biiiiiiirthday to you!
DAD: There. Not so bad, right?
SON: No. I guess not.
DAD: …
SON: …
GRANDPA: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEEE!
SON: OH MY GOD!
DAD: (laughs) Relax, that was me. I was just throwing my voice.
SON: Are you serious?
DAD: Yeah, check it out. Ahem. Ohhh, look at me! Over here on the rug! I’m a coffee table!
SON: That…doesn’t…
DAD: Yeah, it didn’t really work that time.
SON: No…
DAD: Wait. Hm-hm. Ohhhh, hello! Now, I’m under your butt! It’s me, Mr. Sofabed!
SON: Yeah, that one was a lot better.
DAD: Thanks, son.