Gym Class – The Harvard Lampoon

The Burnout #

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Gym Class

  JSG '09

When I reflect on why I hated school so much, my gym teacher always comes to mind:

“Alright class, gather round. Now I’m going to teach you the most difficult football maneuver you’ve seen yet. Jared, it’s your turn to help me demonstrate. Oh, come on, don’t look so nervous. Just because you haven’t caught any of my throws – even the really slow lobs or the one time I handed the ball to you – doesn’t mean you can’t do this. However, keep in mind this does involve some very complex movements, so the slightest error will make you look goofy and uncoordinated in a very embarrassing way.”

“Now, is everyone paying attention? I just want to make sure that everyone is watching Jared as closely as possible.”

“Okay, Jared, start running to that cone out there. No, not the close one. It’s the very, very far one, way past the end zone. Girls, see how he’s waving his arms daintily from side to side as he runs? This is what I mean when I say you’re running like a girl.”

“Here comes the throw. Just keep your eye on the ball and I’m sure everything will work out. Here it goes … and . . . oh for God’s sake, come on. You’re supposed to use your hands! Wait . . . is he crying? Oh, he’s seriously crying. Class, I’d like to remind you that you’re being graded on how well you pay attention to this.”