Hasbro Corporate Meeting – The Harvard Lampoon

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| Issue Editor: HJH '19 | Art Editor: OJ '20

Hasbro Corporate Meeting

  MMM '20

BOSS: Gentlemen, lately Hasbro’s Action Figure toy lines have been going down the drain. And I’m not talking about “Drain Man, the toy that can drown,” I can’t pay my own kids enough to play with that plastic little bastard. Hm Plastic Little Bastard… Ronnette get Design on the phone—
EMPLOYEE 1: Sir if I may, l think the drop in our toy sales is due to online and mobile alternatives to traditional methods of children’s play.
BOSS: Great insight, Einstein. Come up with that yourself? No ya didn’t. And frankly, Frank, you’re not Einstein, you’re Frank, and you’re not working for Hasbro anymore. Ronnette see him out. People we need an overhaul of our ad campaigns. We need to completely reinvent the way we stay true to our roots. We need to sell some toys to kids before Apple brainwashes them into thinking that being instantly connected with all their friends on mobile games is more fun than a pear shaped doll that wets itself.
EMPLOYEE 2: Boss, howabout “Newly painted toys. The same great taste with half the lead.”
BOSS: I love it. Ronnette take out the word half and run it in The Times tomorrow morning.
EMPLOYEE 3: What about a line of Dinosaur action figures for the new Jurassic Park film?
BOSS: I love where your head’s at but I think we all agree Dinosaurs are a little insensitive given the political climate. Ronnette draft some sketches for an action figure set of Danny Glover’s character in The Color Purple making various comical expressions.
EMPLOYEE 4: We could try to appeal to women with “empowering, realistic body image dolls.”
BOSS: Perfect. Slap that tag line on some of the old GI Joes. Ronnette, will those make the shelves by Christmas?
EMPLOYEE 5: Wind up Cars action figures?
BOSS: Wind up. Porcupine. Meat Thermometers.
EMPLOYEE 6: Action figures of daytime cooking show hosts?
BOSS: Pretty damn good. Taking that idea a little further, call and tell the factory to whip up 3 million life size anatomically correct, sentient, dolls of Will.i.am. Oh and Ronnette, make this call immediately but don’t work too hard today. It is your birthday after all.
EMPLOYEE 7: Happy Birthday Ronnette
BOSS: Happy Birthday indeed. Buy yourself something nice and have it on your desk by 5.