Henry Ford – The Harvard Lampoon

The American Dream #

| Issue Editor: CWW '16 | Art Editor: SESH '16

Henry Ford

  GJA '17

1863:  Men are born. Kings are made. Henry Ford is hatched as a plan by two men trying to breed a superior horse. The plan backfires horribly.  

 

1872:  Fearing his horse heritage will be discovered, Ford spends his youth mocking local steeds.

 

1878:  After finishing his morning oats, Ford receives a pocket watch for his birthday. The budding genius pushes the second hand forward by 15 seconds, creating “Ford Time.” The world runs on Ford Time to this very day.

 

1888:  Ford is married to Clara Ala Bryant. Ford has Bryant administer a daily 4 o’clock (Ford Time) hose-down. In spite of this, Ford lives his life convinced he smells “like the fields.”  

 

1898:  Deciding to focus his work on horse-alternatives, Henry Ford begins experimenting with enormous mechanical tricycles after adding a wheel to an enormous mechanical bicycle. Much like steam engines, these early prototypes are powered by immigrant labor.  

 

1908:  Ford introduces the Model T, and relishes putting thousands of horses out of work.

 

1914:  Setting his sights on the still-employed racehorses of America, Ford organizes and participates in the first automobile race.

 

1922:  Ford invents the “automobile crash” as a way to goose sales of new models. Embittered horse-unions attempt “horse crashes” in an effort to compete with Ford, but fail to boost their dwindling market share.    
1947:  On a stroll late at night in a park near his home, Ford trips and breaks his leg. His wife has no choice but to put him down.