Horse – The Harvard Lampoon

All Natural #

| Issue Editor: HJH '19 | Art Editor: OJ '20


  ENO '21

Caligula ruled the Roman Empire from 37-41 AD until he was overthrown, but not before he made his horse a senator.

Caligula: I’m glad you all could make it. I present…Senator Seabiscuit.

Seabiscuit: (neighs)

Caligula: I’m sorry folks, just one minute. (to Seabiscuit) You will not embarrass me tonight.

Seabiscuit: (whinnies)

Caligula: Introduce yourself. Now.

Seabiscuit: (takes a deep breath) I realize having a horse as your senator may not be ideal, but I am more than qualified. I went to UCLA for undergrad and USC for grad school.

Attendee 1: (raises hand) I don’t know what a “USC” or “grad school” is, but congrats on getting into UCLA, that’s huge. Also, I have a question about how this will impact our daily lives.

Seabiscuit: Ah, yes. I am well aware of the current famine. I know you all have been suffering greatly. I plan to implement a ration system and place silos on every–

Attendee 1: Ok, great, but I was actually wondering if I’ll have to keep eating my own shit every day.

Seabiscuit: As I was saying, with the new storage facilities, we should be able to avoid undesirable–

Attendee 2: (raises hand) Will I be free to eat my own shit if I want to?

Seabiscuit: The short answer is ‘yes’. The long answer is ‘please, don’t do that’.

Attendee 3: (raises hand) So to be clear, you will not be regulating our shit consumption?

Seabiscuit: I wasn’t planning on it. If we could focus our attention to the upcoming battle, we’d find that our province is wildly unprepared. Luckily, I’ve led massive armies to victory countle–

Attendee 4: How can we trust you? How can we be sure that you won’t just wake up one day and ban all shit-eating?

Seabiscuit: Is this something that you are all concerned with?

All attendees nod.

Seabiscuit: You have my word.

All attendees cheer wildly for their new senator.