Hot Wheels – The Harvard Lampoon

The 90s #

| Issue Editor: WDG '13 | Art Editor: KAE '13

Hot Wheels

  EWvS '14

LITTLETON, KA—After 22 accidents in one week alone, five of which involved a car losing all four wheels, the Interstate 70 offramp for exit 285 was closed indefinitely today.

When the Department of Transportation first announced that toy company Mattel would be sponsoring a new Hot Wheels offramp designed by the company itself, Littleton residents watered their lawns and continued their garage renovations in celebration.

“The toy people offered to pay for everything. They said it would be ‘huge’ and they gave us all new cars,” said resident Derek Porter, “The cars looked a lot like Ferraris, even if they were actually made on Mattel’s toy manufacturing island.”

Drivers were enthusiastic about a more exciting commute. “The vertical drop looked intimidating,” said Hot Wheels ZERRARI® owner Mike Turser, “But going into terminal velocity daily sounded kind of fun. And I had assumed the fire was decorative.”

But since opening, the ramp has caused everything from cars flying into other counties to suddenly appearing flame decals to one memorable spinout that lasted for four days. The majority of accidents occurred between the sign that read “Dodge the Oil Slick!” and the oil slick.

The offramp will be demolished and rebuilt without any 87 degree drops. Additionally, the DOT and Mattel announced that they were canceling the planned Acid Swamp Vortex™ Bridge project, as well as eliminating plans to replace the Rival Road overpass with a giant car-pounding fist.